Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa