Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
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him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I am having an out of money experience.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.