Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.

-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

my sentiments exactly

Why does laundry happen to good people?

annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

Bird flu? Yeah, they’re known to do that.

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband