[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
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[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
scares
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.