My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
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[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
The thing about liking Kanye is that no matter how into him you are, you’re AT BEST his #2 fan.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Me: *lying nude on checkered blanket*
Him: “Where’s the food and why are you naked?”
Me: “Am I doing it wrong? This is my first picnic.”