OMG! THERE’S A SERIAL KILLER ON THE LOOSE! “OMG.” Wtf are you doing?! “HIDING MY DAMN CEREAL!”
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
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*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
My bladder has been tested on this road trip. I still don’t know how far a ‘mile’ really is but I can drive 75 of them before I have to pee.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
gf: where’s that parcel from
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no