@flashember

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

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@ThugPickles

OMG! THERE’S A SERIAL KILLER ON THE LOOSE! “OMG.” Wtf are you doing?! “HIDING MY DAMN CEREAL!”

@bossy_bootz

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

@AngelaEhh

My bladder has been tested on this road trip. I still don’t know how far a ‘mile’ really is but I can drive 75 of them before I have to pee.

@EdgarAllanLo

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

@AntozWolf

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

@

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@Marlebean

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

@erinpaigerod

a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.

@CAshmanActor

gf: where’s that parcel from

me: amazon

gf: what’s in it

me: *bleeding* piranhas

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no