[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
You Might Also Like
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Buck naked
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.