Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

tis the season

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

Snapes on a plane.

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe