Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

Teamwork makes the dream work.

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

Trumpy Cat

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

#DadJoke

“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”

“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”