Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

January has been Januweary

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!