Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.

God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.