Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

kids play hide and seek like

Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”