Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?