Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.