Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

technique

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

my favorite gender

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

s
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HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.