Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

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Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.


It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.


When I say “the other day” it can be anytime between yesterday and my birth


Listen to your inner child. It’s the one that whisper-sings nursery rhymes when you feel alone in a dark hallway.


You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.


My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing


Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.


I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…


If you really wanna piss someone off when introducing them, make little finger quotation marks in the air when announcing their job title.