Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
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The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”