Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
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My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
My microwave beeps if I don’t open the door within 30 seconds of it stopping. I’m fat, microwave. I won’t forget there’s food in there.
Goes to church to find God’s love. Friendzoned.
god: these are humans
angel: how do they work?
god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Me (to my 4 year old nephew): I think I heard someone break in; will you go check?
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”