@Pundamentalism

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

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@xodeadlykissxo

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

@LePetitOiseau_L

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

@Jdxthompson

When I say “the other day” it can be anytime between yesterday and my birth

@NightValeRadio

Listen to your inner child. It’s the one that whisper-sings nursery rhymes when you feel alone in a dark hallway.

@arcaduh

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

@fluffysuse

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

@stockejock

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

@SignsofNature

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

@turd_firebird

If you really wanna piss someone off when introducing them, make little finger quotation marks in the air when announcing their job title.