Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
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Kids: Stay in school.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?