Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]

[Bed time]

Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”