Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
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You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”