Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
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A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
“What?”
– Jude
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.