Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

I march to the beat of my own dumb

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

and now we wait

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.