Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.

Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.

First hand-job experience = bad.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.