Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
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Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Just organising my finances.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.