Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
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me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
me logging onto twitter
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
me: I like that this isn’t like a typical gym
cashier: you’re at a bakery miss
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.