Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
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Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
My circle of trust is a meatball
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
