Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
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No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
