Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
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[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it