Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
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*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Is your wife single?
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
$4 #usedbooks
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on