Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
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Poetry is my passion
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.