Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
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Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
fair
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.