Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

👾👾👾

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

Ugh but profoundly

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

every single time

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…