Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
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Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.