Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
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[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
mumsnet is amazing
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
thank god the sign was there
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.