Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
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Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Dumplings,
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
