Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.

Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.