Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.

My nice little date:

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:

Yeah sure what time

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.