Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad