Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
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I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
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Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!