Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy