Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
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WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
What
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Best spoiler warning ever
