Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
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The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
What flavor cupcake are these
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Any refunds available?…
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.