Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time

Me: Footlong

Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?

Me: Cookie

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator