Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*

therapist: ok what was that all about

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.