Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Life is a suicide mission.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
