Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

reduce, reuse, recycle

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO