Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
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Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
anyone else like Italian cereal
I have questions??
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”