Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
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me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?