almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
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‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
My five year plan is a meteorite
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.