Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*