almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
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Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.