Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
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My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.