Almost forgotโฆ๐๐๐๐๐
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Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I donโt eat either of them
Iโve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. Heโs like โBecause I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframeโ.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Iโm trying to cut back on how much sense I make
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Me: why donโt you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because Iโm 5
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
i donโt let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when iโm hungover
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children