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[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I feel seen
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.