Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?

getting seasonal up in here

On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…

2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.

Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:

a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

most whales are bigger than a strawberry

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]