Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
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Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.