Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My resolutions are:

1) Stop making any lists.

B) Be more stable.

7) Learn to count.

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life

me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here

doctor: that is correct

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

The internet is undefeated.. 😂

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.