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Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
But I really needed water water water
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Lmao 🤣
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature