Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.

Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

the #horror is real!

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.