Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
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Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried