Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.