Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

Kids: Stay in school.

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

I support this random dude and all his protests

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’