Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”

Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.