Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
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The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts