Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
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How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE