Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
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I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
peak technology
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.