Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
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If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine