Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
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I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure