Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
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The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.