Almost quitting time鈥heers!馃
You Might Also Like
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Saturday
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
coworker relationships are crazy because we don鈥檛 hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It鈥檚 not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
welp
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it鈥檚 not even dark yet.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don鈥檛 appreciate the judgmental tone you鈥檙e using right now
I can鈥檛 afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
There is wisdom there.
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
Well, shit
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 馃槀
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I鈥檓 confused.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
me: I really can鈥檛 stay
him: but, baby it鈥檚-
me: *tail lights*
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.