almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”
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no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Lmaoo 😂
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
SPLOOT
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.