almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”
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If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”