almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”
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Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
My dress code is business-casualty.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears