Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
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“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.