Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

Am I having a stroke?

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

True.

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

[first date]

Him: I live with my mom.

Me: Living or dead?

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

I have no passwords left in me

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!